Germaphobes everywhere received a stunning blow yesterday, when it was revealed that there is no scientific evidence that alka-seltzerish “immunity-booster” Airborne prevents colds. Well, maybe not so stunning. Despite a few endorsements from friends, I had my doubts about the stuff. Sure, I still used it but I need my placebo pellet-peddlers to remain untouched by litigation. Once that happens my stupidness threshold prevents me from actually spending money on the item.

This morning, as I gently stuff myself onto a hot, packed subway that stinks of fetid, phlegmy coughs, I wonder: what oh what will replace the fizzy comfort of Airborne? Short of developing a hand-washing compulsion that leaves me with papery geriatric fingers, or wearing a latex body suit, it seems I am exposed at every turn.

Here are instructions on how to get your Airborne refund online. Mind you, if you submit a claim for more than six packages, you must send in your file of neatly-saved Airborne receipts, which you have no doubt stashed away for just such an occasion.